Movie Rewind: Teeth (2007)

Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Cast: Jess Weixler (The Big Bad Swim), John Hensley (Nip/Tuck), Hale Appleman, Ashley Springer, Lenny von Dohlen, Nicole Swahn

The Deal: Dawn (Weixler) is an active member in a chastity club, and faithfully wears her promise ring. She falls for a new guy in Town, Tobey (Appleman), but when he tries to rape her, she discovers she is a living example of the vagina dentata myth. Casting away her promise ring, she slowly uses her adaptation to seek revenge. Her step-brother, Brad (Hensley), has been in love with her his whole life, but after he crosses her path, he risks a terrible result.

Thoughts: Some would describe this as a horror film, which it's not, but the premise is terrifyingly cringeworthy for the male gender. Vagina dentata (a set of teeth down there) is essentially a man's worst nightmare, though in the film, she has some control over it. It you haven't upset her or done something bad, and she's all for the fun, you'll probably be safe. The problem with the film is that it never really understands the best way to depict itself. It never really knows what direction to take Dawn's adaptation, so the result is clunky and random. The end result is a bad movie that is hilarious if you look at it from a bad-movie perspective.

The performances in the film were pretty awful. Weixler does a decent job in the lead. She is believably innocent and emotional, but her character's decisions are erratic and don't always add up. Hensley does probably the best job in the film as the troubled step-brother. He's truly messed up, and you get the feeling from the get go that he's harbored feelings for Dawn. Appleman and Springer were especially terrible in their roles. For having their "members" bitten off, they were no where near in enough pain. Their emotions were flat, and the viewer feels absolutely no remorse for them.

A question that will inevitably spawn from the film is whether or not this is a fair punishment for violators. Rape is a very touchy subject, but one thing is for certain, it is a terrible terrible crime deserving an equally terrible punishment. How do you feel about the punishment for rape being "you use it you lose it"? It's the stance Dawn ends up taking, and one that I'm all for. It's such a terrifying thought, one you may not agree with, but seriously, it would make a great deterrent.

I'd also like to briefly mention the nuclear plant's towers. At the beginning of the film, they are spewing thick black smoke (it's CGI and it looks terrible), and by the end there are merely white/grey wisps. I'm sure this was supposed to symbolize something, but that something is completely unknown.

Verdict: A terrifyingly cheesy and hilarious premise, but the film never knows what direction to go. It's not for everyone, but will be worth a rental for some. ☆☆1/2